How Much Longer?

I was quite surprised on Sunday night where an ex-classmate actually wanted to ask me out this coming Thursday. The shocking part is not that she actually invited me. It was the fact that she didn't invite my girlfriend. The humours have probably spread that I don't seem so happy whenever I'm with her. I'm somehow grateful that they noticed this because I'm no longer the same person I was back then. But anyways, because it would make things very difficult for me if she wasn't invited, therefore we decided to add her into the activity. So we're off to the Karaoke this coming Thursday. Was suppose to be a private event but knowing her, and her big mouth. Those who were not invited knew about it, and most of them are unhappy. Well, can't blame her since she didn't knew about this being private. I sense a few pissed classmates.

I'm not a singer, I had never sang in front of people especially with a mic. Not even with her alone. I don't have confidence in my singing, partly because I know my voice isn't much suitable for it. And also, I never sang because it was always chinese and japanese songs that she selects all the time. Even if she asked me to choose, I'm already turned off. So maybe I might try to sing this time. Maybe. But no matter that, I am not gonna be in the same room as her. Since she doesn't like english songs. How I admire those guys with wonderful voice, those of that could seduce girls just by singing. Sigh, guess that's one talent in life I have to live without. 

Monday, quite a few event happened. We had lunch opposite of college, but when we were on our way back it started raining. I went and get my car to fetch them to class. But since I already paid my parking at the opposite carpark. I went back there to park again. So meaning I had to walk back to college under the rain. And since I have been gloomy recently, I decided to walk instead of running. As I got back to class, my hair was all covering my eyes so I combed my hair backwards and entered the class. Yup, everyone was surprised to see me all drenched. Even she couldn't believe her eyes. But I don't know why. Some started saying I look good with my hair combed to the back, they said something like being a matured gentleman kinda look. I didn't express much, just said err okay. Then I remembered, my dad's hair is something similar to this. Oh and also, I was pretty sure I saw a few girls staring at me. I hope it was a positive way. Getting all wet isn't such a bad thing after all. Despite having a wet socks and getting blown under the air con for 6 hours. 

As for dinner, went and eat some Thai food. It wasn't so pleasing for me as I didn't really wanted to eat spicy food at that moment. And being blue and all, with her sitting beside me. I just kept quiet throughout the whole dinner as they laughed happily and cheerfully. Actually, I wanted to be alone that night. Didn't really want to be with anyone at that time. Was thinking of sitting at another table or something, the dishes were quite far from me so she said if there was anything I want just let her know. But still, I ate more white rice than anything. 50% of my rice were eaten alone. Tasted so dull, so plain. I liked it. So end of the meal, my friend noticed me staying quiet too long and hurried to call the bill. He knows I want to leave so badly. They pretend to leave but actually stayed on. Me however, had to fetch another girl back home. Normally I would try and drop my girlfriend the last so I get a kiss or something. But ever since that day, I kinda lost faith so I sent her back first. 

But after that I actually stayed to chat in front of my another lady friend's house. If you're reading this, congratulations for being the third reader to officially have access to read my blog. But there has already been 40+ views. I wonder who might be reading eh? So we chat, talked more about relationships. The things we said will be kept private so I shall not mention it to anyone. Again, I learn that there are much sacrifices to make in a relationship. Some big, some small. But I don't feel appreciated. Since you had stopped caring, I've been trying to clap with one hand. Although my contributions were nothing big and obvious, it's better than you not even trying. 

If you ever read this. Please note that every single day, I'm waiting for you to hold my hand and say:  "Don't be unhappy because I want you to be happy with me." I know the odds, I promise not to feel disappointed even if it would never happen. I just need to know if you are going to go on like this or to do something about it.

Seeing the things you type to me everyday, the "En Okay" is driving me crazy. I said I will try my best for you, but if this is all you wanna tell me every single time I get back home.. You might as well find your own transportation back home. I'm getting worn out by wasting my effort to fulfil my part as your pathetic driver. Can love really turn into hate?

What if..?

Funny how she is the first person I think of when I wake up but I never wish her good morning. Maybe it's because I hate the fact that we have nothing to chat even if I greeted her. We've been together for a year now, being together everyday just speed things up a little too fast. I feel like we had already been through 3 years instead. Basically, I don't have anything much to say to her anymore. Partly because I don't get to say much of english due to her lack of tolerance for the language as she finds it annoying whenever I use a harder term where she doesn't understand. So there goes our romanizing english poem flirty heart melting moments. Gone. What a waste of my talents.

Which then I came across asking myself this question while on my way back home today. If I found out I was dying and everyone in my family knew, they allowed to fund me for anything I want to do, what would I do? And so, without second thought. I would like to have twenty thousand dollars to spend and ticket trip for two, to Korea. For me and her. I would like to bring her to her idol's shop. If possible, let her meet him and have the happiest moment in her life. I'll buy a DSLR with 64GB card loaded, take photos for her with her idol together. And if I come back, I want to be buried in an "Inner Mundos" something like in the movie John Carter. Where nobody gets to see me as I rot and die alone in there as it can only be opened from the inside. But end of the day, I just want somebody to remember me even after I'm dead and gone. Humans are forgetful beings, as soon as person disappears from their lives. They get forgotten. I just want to give people memories that could last a life time. I never like to be mentioned in front of others, but either do I want to be forgotten. It sucks to know that everyone goes out and enjoys themselves and the next day I realized I was never invited. If not for her, I probably would become low profile to the point that nobody would remember me. 

Today nothing much happened, only that my girlfriend wasn't feeling so well after we had lunch. Food poisoning? I don't know. I'm worried but the same time I'm not giving her any expression. Reading her tweets, I find myself being so insecure because she had started to talk to more guys than before. Guys cheering her up instead of me. And when I tell her things, all she replied was "En, okay." I know I no longer can give her the sense of security she wants anymore. Therefore seeking from someone else, wanting some boy out there come to her distress and save her from me. I really feel like I'm a monster in her eyes. In front of her friends she talks and laugh so cheerfully. When alone with me, it's like she can't stand the sight of me. This is really depressing. I'm not surprised if one day when someone likes her and takes her from me. At that point, I can do nothing but to wish her happiness. 

It's five days since our anniversary, I did not expect anything from her. But she said she will get me something, it was only because she said so. I kept waiting. I wonder if she forgot? Yeah, maybe she did. Why do I even get my hopes up on somebody that is losing hope on me day by day? 

My birthday is coming up, one of my aunty asked if my girlfriend had plan anything. I couldn't give her an answer. Because somewhere inside of me I knew, she isn't going to do much but buy me a dinner and a gift. What's the point when I am going to be the one driving, picking her up, arranging the time, asking for permission to go out, and to come back early because of a curfew? What I really want, is her to get some friends to drive all the way down to pick me up from my house. Bring me to a nearby shopping mall or a park, light me a birthday cake, and let me make a wish. Then hang around, chatting, laughing, playing some random game. And at the end of everything, kiss me by the cheeks and give me something that is hand-made. Most importantly, I want to hear I love you. The one thing I have longed to hear since June.

But I doubt these would all happen. It'll just be a part of my imagination, something I hold in my mind as I think of it before I sleep. Even so, a tear would drop every now and then. When will I start smiling again? I'm starting to forget how to smile. Therefore my last paragraph for this post.

Usually on my birthday, I make more than one wish. But this year, I only need to wish for one thing. I wish to be happy. This is the song that represents what I feel now.