Which then I came across asking myself this question while on my way back home today. If I found out I was dying and everyone in my family knew, they allowed to fund me for anything I want to do, what would I do? And so, without second thought. I would like to have twenty thousand dollars to spend and ticket trip for two, to Korea. For me and her. I would like to bring her to her idol's shop. If possible, let her meet him and have the happiest moment in her life. I'll buy a DSLR with 64GB card loaded, take photos for her with her idol together. And if I come back, I want to be buried in an "Inner Mundos" something like in the movie John Carter. Where nobody gets to see me as I rot and die alone in there as it can only be opened from the inside. But end of the day, I just want somebody to remember me even after I'm dead and gone. Humans are forgetful beings, as soon as person disappears from their lives. They get forgotten. I just want to give people memories that could last a life time. I never like to be mentioned in front of others, but either do I want to be forgotten. It sucks to know that everyone goes out and enjoys themselves and the next day I realized I was never invited. If not for her, I probably would become low profile to the point that nobody would remember me.
Today nothing much happened, only that my girlfriend wasn't feeling so well after we had lunch. Food poisoning? I don't know. I'm worried but the same time I'm not giving her any expression. Reading her tweets, I find myself being so insecure because she had started to talk to more guys than before. Guys cheering her up instead of me. And when I tell her things, all she replied was "En, okay." I know I no longer can give her the sense of security she wants anymore. Therefore seeking from someone else, wanting some boy out there come to her distress and save her from me. I really feel like I'm a monster in her eyes. In front of her friends she talks and laugh so cheerfully. When alone with me, it's like she can't stand the sight of me. This is really depressing. I'm not surprised if one day when someone likes her and takes her from me. At that point, I can do nothing but to wish her happiness.
It's five days since our anniversary, I did not expect anything from her. But she said she will get me something, it was only because she said so. I kept waiting. I wonder if she forgot? Yeah, maybe she did. Why do I even get my hopes up on somebody that is losing hope on me day by day?
My birthday is coming up, one of my aunty asked if my girlfriend had plan anything. I couldn't give her an answer. Because somewhere inside of me I knew, she isn't going to do much but buy me a dinner and a gift. What's the point when I am going to be the one driving, picking her up, arranging the time, asking for permission to go out, and to come back early because of a curfew? What I really want, is her to get some friends to drive all the way down to pick me up from my house. Bring me to a nearby shopping mall or a park, light me a birthday cake, and let me make a wish. Then hang around, chatting, laughing, playing some random game. And at the end of everything, kiss me by the cheeks and give me something that is hand-made. Most importantly, I want to hear I love you. The one thing I have longed to hear since June.
But I doubt these would all happen. It'll just be a part of my imagination, something I hold in my mind as I think of it before I sleep. Even so, a tear would drop every now and then. When will I start smiling again? I'm starting to forget how to smile. Therefore my last paragraph for this post.
Usually on my birthday, I make more than one wish. But this year, I only need to wish for one thing. I wish to be happy. This is the song that represents what I feel now.
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