How Much Longer?

I was quite surprised on Sunday night where an ex-classmate actually wanted to ask me out this coming Thursday. The shocking part is not that she actually invited me. It was the fact that she didn't invite my girlfriend. The humours have probably spread that I don't seem so happy whenever I'm with her. I'm somehow grateful that they noticed this because I'm no longer the same person I was back then. But anyways, because it would make things very difficult for me if she wasn't invited, therefore we decided to add her into the activity. So we're off to the Karaoke this coming Thursday. Was suppose to be a private event but knowing her, and her big mouth. Those who were not invited knew about it, and most of them are unhappy. Well, can't blame her since she didn't knew about this being private. I sense a few pissed classmates.

I'm not a singer, I had never sang in front of people especially with a mic. Not even with her alone. I don't have confidence in my singing, partly because I know my voice isn't much suitable for it. And also, I never sang because it was always chinese and japanese songs that she selects all the time. Even if she asked me to choose, I'm already turned off. So maybe I might try to sing this time. Maybe. But no matter that, I am not gonna be in the same room as her. Since she doesn't like english songs. How I admire those guys with wonderful voice, those of that could seduce girls just by singing. Sigh, guess that's one talent in life I have to live without. 

Monday, quite a few event happened. We had lunch opposite of college, but when we were on our way back it started raining. I went and get my car to fetch them to class. But since I already paid my parking at the opposite carpark. I went back there to park again. So meaning I had to walk back to college under the rain. And since I have been gloomy recently, I decided to walk instead of running. As I got back to class, my hair was all covering my eyes so I combed my hair backwards and entered the class. Yup, everyone was surprised to see me all drenched. Even she couldn't believe her eyes. But I don't know why. Some started saying I look good with my hair combed to the back, they said something like being a matured gentleman kinda look. I didn't express much, just said err okay. Then I remembered, my dad's hair is something similar to this. Oh and also, I was pretty sure I saw a few girls staring at me. I hope it was a positive way. Getting all wet isn't such a bad thing after all. Despite having a wet socks and getting blown under the air con for 6 hours. 

As for dinner, went and eat some Thai food. It wasn't so pleasing for me as I didn't really wanted to eat spicy food at that moment. And being blue and all, with her sitting beside me. I just kept quiet throughout the whole dinner as they laughed happily and cheerfully. Actually, I wanted to be alone that night. Didn't really want to be with anyone at that time. Was thinking of sitting at another table or something, the dishes were quite far from me so she said if there was anything I want just let her know. But still, I ate more white rice than anything. 50% of my rice were eaten alone. Tasted so dull, so plain. I liked it. So end of the meal, my friend noticed me staying quiet too long and hurried to call the bill. He knows I want to leave so badly. They pretend to leave but actually stayed on. Me however, had to fetch another girl back home. Normally I would try and drop my girlfriend the last so I get a kiss or something. But ever since that day, I kinda lost faith so I sent her back first. 

But after that I actually stayed to chat in front of my another lady friend's house. If you're reading this, congratulations for being the third reader to officially have access to read my blog. But there has already been 40+ views. I wonder who might be reading eh? So we chat, talked more about relationships. The things we said will be kept private so I shall not mention it to anyone. Again, I learn that there are much sacrifices to make in a relationship. Some big, some small. But I don't feel appreciated. Since you had stopped caring, I've been trying to clap with one hand. Although my contributions were nothing big and obvious, it's better than you not even trying. 

If you ever read this. Please note that every single day, I'm waiting for you to hold my hand and say:  "Don't be unhappy because I want you to be happy with me." I know the odds, I promise not to feel disappointed even if it would never happen. I just need to know if you are going to go on like this or to do something about it.

Seeing the things you type to me everyday, the "En Okay" is driving me crazy. I said I will try my best for you, but if this is all you wanna tell me every single time I get back home.. You might as well find your own transportation back home. I'm getting worn out by wasting my effort to fulfil my part as your pathetic driver. Can love really turn into hate?

What if..?

Funny how she is the first person I think of when I wake up but I never wish her good morning. Maybe it's because I hate the fact that we have nothing to chat even if I greeted her. We've been together for a year now, being together everyday just speed things up a little too fast. I feel like we had already been through 3 years instead. Basically, I don't have anything much to say to her anymore. Partly because I don't get to say much of english due to her lack of tolerance for the language as she finds it annoying whenever I use a harder term where she doesn't understand. So there goes our romanizing english poem flirty heart melting moments. Gone. What a waste of my talents.

Which then I came across asking myself this question while on my way back home today. If I found out I was dying and everyone in my family knew, they allowed to fund me for anything I want to do, what would I do? And so, without second thought. I would like to have twenty thousand dollars to spend and ticket trip for two, to Korea. For me and her. I would like to bring her to her idol's shop. If possible, let her meet him and have the happiest moment in her life. I'll buy a DSLR with 64GB card loaded, take photos for her with her idol together. And if I come back, I want to be buried in an "Inner Mundos" something like in the movie John Carter. Where nobody gets to see me as I rot and die alone in there as it can only be opened from the inside. But end of the day, I just want somebody to remember me even after I'm dead and gone. Humans are forgetful beings, as soon as person disappears from their lives. They get forgotten. I just want to give people memories that could last a life time. I never like to be mentioned in front of others, but either do I want to be forgotten. It sucks to know that everyone goes out and enjoys themselves and the next day I realized I was never invited. If not for her, I probably would become low profile to the point that nobody would remember me. 

Today nothing much happened, only that my girlfriend wasn't feeling so well after we had lunch. Food poisoning? I don't know. I'm worried but the same time I'm not giving her any expression. Reading her tweets, I find myself being so insecure because she had started to talk to more guys than before. Guys cheering her up instead of me. And when I tell her things, all she replied was "En, okay." I know I no longer can give her the sense of security she wants anymore. Therefore seeking from someone else, wanting some boy out there come to her distress and save her from me. I really feel like I'm a monster in her eyes. In front of her friends she talks and laugh so cheerfully. When alone with me, it's like she can't stand the sight of me. This is really depressing. I'm not surprised if one day when someone likes her and takes her from me. At that point, I can do nothing but to wish her happiness. 

It's five days since our anniversary, I did not expect anything from her. But she said she will get me something, it was only because she said so. I kept waiting. I wonder if she forgot? Yeah, maybe she did. Why do I even get my hopes up on somebody that is losing hope on me day by day? 

My birthday is coming up, one of my aunty asked if my girlfriend had plan anything. I couldn't give her an answer. Because somewhere inside of me I knew, she isn't going to do much but buy me a dinner and a gift. What's the point when I am going to be the one driving, picking her up, arranging the time, asking for permission to go out, and to come back early because of a curfew? What I really want, is her to get some friends to drive all the way down to pick me up from my house. Bring me to a nearby shopping mall or a park, light me a birthday cake, and let me make a wish. Then hang around, chatting, laughing, playing some random game. And at the end of everything, kiss me by the cheeks and give me something that is hand-made. Most importantly, I want to hear I love you. The one thing I have longed to hear since June.

But I doubt these would all happen. It'll just be a part of my imagination, something I hold in my mind as I think of it before I sleep. Even so, a tear would drop every now and then. When will I start smiling again? I'm starting to forget how to smile. Therefore my last paragraph for this post.

Usually on my birthday, I make more than one wish. But this year, I only need to wish for one thing. I wish to be happy. This is the song that represents what I feel now.

A hug?

Hmm, today.. I actually arrived in college on time. For the first time in history, 8am sharp! Compliments to myself! There was also this class of mine that was held in the nursing room instead today. To think that it was actually quite comfortable to study there. Despite sleeping only for 4 hours only last night, I was actually wide awake. Can't say much for the next class thou, I just almost slept.

We had lunch with two other of her best friends. Talked a little of our childhood and realized that my girlfriend didn't really have a pleasant past like us. And they said to train her to be more feminine? Big Yay? Or should I get worried? Kinda happy in a way too because at times I do feel like she is being the boyfriend instead.

After that, we went and get some fruit tarts. She casually made this statement saying that my another friend has a much more better personality than me. I got a little agitated. It's like me telling my friends that I know another girl who is more lovely than my girlfriend in front of her. So yeah I kinda hinted to her that I was upset but I do get over things very quickly.

And so the day went by quite smoothly thou I don't expect the days to continuously remain like this because I feel as if happiness is truly a luxury, you'll never know when it'll be taken away from you. So I treat it as a privilege. We went and played cards with a bunch of classmates at Share Tea after that, easily 20 over of us? It's like a gambling den over there. Had a good laugh and saw some videos displaying on the TV about extreme sports. It's how I get the idea that being free means doing the stuff you like.

Upon sending her back home I have an excuse to use the toilet, but my main intention was this. After I came out of the toilet, without saying anything. I gave her a hug. A nice, long, yet warm cuddle. Followed by a kiss and some concerning words. It was just for her to feel that I care for her even thou I know we're not going to last forever, I just wanted her to know that by me hugging her it means that I'm giving her all the comfort I can muster in that few seconds. I really hope she felt some warmth in that.

Time to worry about tomorrow's accounting project and financial ratio analysis. I'm so dead.

A Day To Remember?

It's Tuesday, presentation day. The day began when I actually woke up at 7.07am. Suppose to wake up own girlfriend up at 7am sharp. But I guess the first alarm didn't wake me up. And so she called me, seeing if I woke up or not. Yet once again, the tone of disappointment. But seriously, I woke up at 7.05am. At least give me some credit to be able to pick up your call in 10secs time? 

Thanks to the Jam, I managed to pick her up and dropped her off. Yet that alone, I brought her to the wrong  drop off place. Morning blurry. I know, she is probably numb to it already. Anyway, we managed to reach on time. Presentation went well, no sight of displeases from anyone so far. Oh, and everyone was wearing formal attire. Meaning that cameras were flashing and she brought the instant camera I gave her for our one year anniversary too. 

Was funny that she suspected the camera to be faulty when in actuality, she misplaced the battery. And NOT BEING a sensitive person like her, I don't rage. I simply corrected her by putting the battery properly. It works, yes. Yay. 

It's a nice photo but knowing the fact that we aren't quite much the same as before, even the sweetest picture cannot repair the damaged done between us.

Then after class, we went to eat at the same old, yet, deliciously Pizza Milano. The pasta is now much tastier than before! And my saliva actually flew when I was talking too excitedly. Control Nick! CONTROL!! Gosh, sorry dear friend. It's just too embarrassing to apologize the second time so I'll just say it here.

Then we had a boy to boy talk with another friend of mine who actually fell out of love when his girl dumped him. We exchanged thoughts and I learnt that over addiction of games will actually lose the one you held dear so much. So yes, I have to control my play time too. Make more time for her I guess? Frankly, we both did not understand girls. I used to, just, not anymore. My own girlfriend that is. Sigh* 

Also, just when we were about to leave. An old course mate friend from last year called up and wants to 'yumcha' with us. So yeah, TONG PAK FU ice cream again. The girls didn't like guava favoured. We boys on the other hand, disliked sesame. The difference between genders, very diff.

And so I got back, finally decided to do my ratio analysis for tomorrow's discussion, what a slacker I am. Geez. Okay so, I shall end my post and sleep AND wake up 7am in the morning once again.

The Beginning Of The End?

It's a good Friday, waking up late as usual, being able to slack around in the bed till the noon is a luxury.

Upon waking up, the weekly cleaners came to clean the house. On top of that, I just got news that my dad is actually coming to stay over tomorrow! Dad oh dad, I miss you more than you can ever imagine.

But the guest room is having a leaking roof, wouldn't be nice to have my dad sleeping in a drench at night eh?

So yes, had to had over the management office to get some contractors to take a look at it. In the end, I only had 2 meals today, breakfast and dinner. 

Oh also, it's me and my girlfriend's anniversary today. Had the initiation to post something up in facebook to show her that I'm not afraid to hide her so other girls would think I'm available. Still, it's like she doesn't give a damn? Maybe it's just me, because frankly speaking I was hoping for her to at least like the photo? 

I gave her a call in the afternoon, she doesn't sound so good. Then I heard her grandma isn't doing so well, I hope she will turn out alright. But even so, it's like I'm just annoying her. Her voice tone. 

I'm pretty sure I've spend time long enough with her to know when I should stay out of things, therefore not asking about anything and left her alone. Because anything I say might probably be used against me. Women.

So I came back home, texted her and all. Drinking chicken soup? It's the tastiest thing to me, the worst for her. See how different we are? Then on up of that I said goodnight with a "I love you". The only reply I got from her is "En, goodnight Dar." Seriously? I once recalled me saying that I only said I love you to someone when I mean it. But for her, she didn't say it like she used to. It's really a straight up thing, meaning she doesn't think I deserved those words anymore. I figured. 

Sometimes I felt like I'm being used by her, she doesn't even listen to what we have to say. So dis-interested.

But whenever she speaks it's like everyone must listen. Since so, I stopped telling her about my problems. It's not like she would take interest in finding out anyways. I'm taken for granted I know.

And so I started blogging again, because somethings are never meant to be said. Therefore it's written. I hate my life in KL. All I feel is loneliness and pressure. No memory of anything to make me smile like the way I did in JB.